Those Three Words...

Those three words... aah, the passion they convey. Every man dreams of hearing those words from his lover. The sentiment, the raw innocence and honesty in them. The ecstasy and thrill of hearing those words. There is no other equivalent. No other feeling comes close to hearing those three words escape the lips of your lover... fuck me harder!

Sucky ads - Rant for the month

Dear ad-makers,

PFB a set of crappy ads you folks have been coming up with in the recent past:

1. A super crappy ad about a old hag who realizes after about 50 years that some Kantilal had made out with his chic and wants to take revenge, by breaking Mr. K's teeth. He says this to his teenage grandson. What a kick ass grandpa-grandson bonding moment!

The grandpa then finds Mr. K thanks to a social networking site accessed by his grandson's 3G device. They head off to take 'revenge', where the 'tharak max' grandpa gives a peck on the cheek to Mr. K's wife (without checking if she was his wife, in my twisted spoof version of the ad Mr. K will have the last laugh by telling 'tharaki grandpa' that the woman he kissed was his 'bai')

Tharaki grandpa then runs way past his grandson, jumping with joy, giving you the feeling that the ad could also be a confused 'musli power' type product ad.

2. Random guy asks a flop movie star a question, "Why is India's population so high?"

What follows is the most idiotic explanation of all time.

Apparently, when power cuts occur, men suddenly realize the lack of entertainment in their life due to the T.V. set not functioning. They then give 'havas' looks to their wives who comply and eventually get pregnant. Lo, behold, India's population explosion.

How do we prevent it? Condoms? Nope, just give everyone a particular brand of 3G service and then as the ad suggests, 'biwi se 3G'. They'll start watching porn on their mobiles all night and all is well.

The first ad is just downright stupid, the second is an insult to one's intelligence and a downright insult to women, shamelessly objectifying them as entertainment.

There are several other irritating as hell ads on TV, especially the one with the fat-ass with a beard who mouths a Hindi expletive every-time he watches sports in HD.

Such wannabe ads are increasing day by day, one wonders if ever intellect will make a comeback. TV shows had become unbearable years ago, the only time one watches TV is for sports and now even that experience is being destroyed by loud, insulting ads.

Dear ad-makers, you are the last hope of a generation that is in danger of abandoning the TV. Please don't assume that just because Delhi Belly became a hit, we want to hear abuses. Please don't try to make some non-funny ad seem funny by putting in fake laughter in the background (an insult to anyone who has seen Seinfeld). Please give us some proof that you haven't run out of ideas!

Why Facebook defeated Orkut

You remember the days when people would count the number of scraps on their Orkut scrapbook. Some loser coders had even written code to "increase your scraps". People who used it were as dumb as the folks who actually open the "increase your size" type spam emails. Those were the glory days of Orkut. Communities of Sachin and Rahul Dravid constantly abusing each other and spamming the hell out of each other.

Then Facebook arrived, initially Orkut wasn't much affected, then the tide began to turn. By the time Orkut changed their entire look to mimic FB, you knew who was winning the war.

Now all the business related aspects aside, the real reason why FB won over Orkut was because of profile pics.

Most female junta on Orkut, would put up useless images like flowers, cartoons, cute babies etc as their profile pics but FB users would invariably put up their real pics.

Now one reason according to me for this change was, in FB the tagging process would allow anyone to upload a group photo and tag people. This would then make chics think that, what the hell, we're visible on some pics as it is, why not put up real photos on FB.

That is when the tide turned. All of a sudden you had everyone putting up their real pics on FB. Rarely would you find people with flowers or cute baby pics as their profile pics.

The one demographic that got totally bowled over by this feature was the 'letchers' who are a sub-category of the larger demographic of the 'perverts'. Any commercial venture has to win over this particular demographic if it wants to capture a market. Especially when it comes to utterly useless items like social networking sites (like Facebook) or deodorants (like Axe).

Earlier a pervert had to go through a lot of effort to get a good look at his favorite hot chic, now all one needed to do was go to Facebook, hope for some common friends and a not-too-protected profile and that's it. That is when Orkut went into life support and finally passed away sometime last year.

In a few years if you mention the word Orkut, people may think it was some extinct bird closely resembling an Ostrich. But at one time, it was the most frequently visited site for most college going folks. There may come a time, when I write a similar article on Facebook, but that would happen only if FB forgets its most loyal demographic - the loyal, humble pervert!

David Flabbergaster strikes again

David Flabbergaster finally found some time in his busy schedule to give us some more snippets from his random life. Hope you find these snippets interesting.

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Guy1: Have a Safe Diwali
David Flabbergaster: Yep, I make sure I always use a condom :P

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Girl completes a ride on a go-kart. At the end of it, some ppl ask her how she felt about it.

She says: It was OK, a little too short, I wish it would've been a little longer.
David Flabbergaster: That is the complaint of 90% of women in the world

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David Flabbergaster: While giving his opinion on two hot women who were identical twins - "Identical twins cannot be called identical twins, unless it is confirmed that they have identical twins."

India's Progress

More than any financial index. I think India's progress in the past few years can be best displayed by these two "then and now" images:



Then.



Now.

Condom Kab Kab, CWG Jab Jab

This link made me coin the slogan 'Condom Kab Kab, CWG Jab Jab' :D

Sad, cheapo level stuff, but I had to put it on the blog :D. With all the trash related to the CWG on the net, this one takes the cake.

Why you shouldn't believe The Alchemist

When you know what you want the whole world conspires you to achieve it

This is what is mentioned in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's a quote mentioned by far too many people when things work out for them. But it's not bloody true. So stop quoting it as if it was the divine message of Thor.

If this quote was true the following would have happened by now:

1. Paraguay would have reached and won the World Cup final and the streets of Paraguay would've seen a pair of truly golden globes.

2. Lame ass reality shows in India would've been off air.

3. REN and MEGA channels would've been back on air.

And instead of a Lenovo T400, I would've had Monica Bellucci and Adriana Lima on my lap right now.

Point made! So stop quoting that lame piece of trash and just go out and party when things have worked for you. Or else I'll post 'congrates' and 'best luck' all over your social networking site page. The previous sentence would make sense to mostly COEP junta :)

They hate love stories

Yeah people they hate love stories. The pyaar ka dushman samaaj is a real badass.
Falling in love is so damn difficult. First you need to find the person of the right degree of hotness, intelligence and all the other senti stuff. Which itself is very difficult and you really hope the girl of your dreams aka THE ONE wasn't female-infanticided long back. Secondly we have our awesome village elders. I mean these guys are amazing specimens of humanity. The name khap is perfectly suited for these people. These people totally make you go, what the khap? [A term used already by a lot of bloggers already]

Seriously, what the khap is wrong with you - Oh great, wise chacha who never had a girlfriend?

You see, first you think the girl child is a dharti ka bojh and blah, so you kill as many as you can without going to jail. Then, the current lot of young lads with raging hormones suddenly realize, where are the women? Somehow, a guy finds the rare surviving female and they fall in love.

Then they realize, no one will support their marriage, so they elope. But then chacha is not too pleased, he'll get hold of the entire village to start a search and destroy mission that even the KGB and Mossad would be proud of. They all go I keeel you!

This comes on the news, the baju ke gaon ka chacha says, what the khap? Now even we have to come on the news, lets find another couple in love and kill them. And the story goes on.

Now because of chacha and his totally khapped up policies the youth are super confused. If you marry out of cast, chacha is angry and you are khapped! If you marry in caste then you're life is khapped bigtime! So what do you do? Well, tell chacha clearly whether he prefers Elton John and George Michael music or whether he thinks guys and girls should waka waka with whoever they want in life. Maybe that would open his khapped mentality a bit.

If only chacha would have had a girlfriend in his young days he would have probably had a better understanding of life, but alas!

It's not CONGRATES!

This was something I should have done a long time ago, but didn't coz I was a nicer guy a year ago. One year into professional life and you realize what a waste of time it is being nice to dumb-asses. So here it is, my rant of the day.

It's with people f***ing up words that they should not f*** up ever! Words like 'Congrats'. The next person who posts a wall post or a comment saying 'congrates' will be publicly whipped, I promise.

I do not claim to be Oxford educated, I have my own typos/genuine mistakes etc. But then if corrected, I do make an effort to change. But here we have stubborn freakos who want to 'congrate-ulate' me or others I know without knowing how to spell 'congrats' in the first place.

What's the harm in typing 'well done' or 'badhaaiyan', you obv don't know English if you're 20 something and still say 'congrates'. It's like saying 'heppy bday'. Unforgivable. Absolutely.

Arguably the most screwed up SMS I've read this year

Ok, this I found hilarious. I read the following SMS and couldn't believe how screwed up someone's English can be. This person wrote this message with the intent of saying something profound, but has no clue of context or pronunciation and what we get is a masterpiece of divine stupidity and jackassness!
Here is the SMS:

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Life is library
Love is temporary
God is great
Life is sweet
Yesterday is waste
Today is best
Tomorrow is taste
So enjoy everyday
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Awesome Chat Snippet

Awesome segment of a chat i just had with a school friend of mine who i last spoke to in 7th std.
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Friend: howz life man
Me: i'm fine dude...in Pune, working for a management consulting firm. wat hav u been upto
5:25pm
Friend: I have a construction company
I have a textile company
5:26pm
Me: awesome... only thing left for me to say now is mere paas maa hai :D:D
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Needless to say, the spark of friendship is still just as fresh as it was a decade ago!!!

Washing Powder Nirma and Amazing Talent

If you are my friend on Facebook or have me on your GTALK list then I've probably already told you about this video by now. But this video is so hatke, I think it needs a mention on my blog too. This is some dude, with a guitar and a pretty kick ass voice, singing his version of the 'Nirma' jingle which we have all heard while growing up in the 90's and even now the ad plays almost the same jingle.

The part I like about this video is how, one can use talent and awesome creativity to totally turnaround a simple jingle into a freaking awesome short song. The guy puts in his soul into a friggin' jingle! It's one of the best videos I've seen this year, just for it's random awesomeness effect.

I initially thought it was funny, but then I heard it again and then again and well, whoever you are dude [from the video], hats off! Awesome voice and brilliant creativity.

If you haven't seen the video, here is the link for it.

Short Story - 1

All characters and incidents appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, locations, incidents, is purely coincidental.
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He walked swiftly... he knew there wasn't much time. He turned left, he looked around, he couldn't see a soul anywhere near him. He quickened his pace, hope rising in his heart with each step. He reached the door, stuck his hand out, turned the knob... the door was locked. His muscles tightened, he realized time was running out for him. Sweat forming on his forehead. He had to hurry. Please God, he begged. There was another door, to his right. He hastened towards it, tried the door. Locked. Damn it! He was breathing fast now, he didn't have much energy left. He turned around, there was one final door, he looked over his shoulder, wondering if there was anyone else approaching. He stopped breathing for a second and concentrated, he couldn't hear anyone else around. This was his last chance. If this door didn't open, it was all over. He moved quickly, desperation in every step. He lunged towards the door as he had no time to walk the last two steps. He turned the knob so hard, he almost wrenched it off the door itself. It was open, he had but a few seconds left to avert disaster.

Ten minutes later.

Sound of a flush... the victorious hero steps out... from the office rest-room!

Life is Busy

I have been super busy since quite some time and it's taken a toll on my blogging. Whatever free time I get, I spend it in sleeping or catching up with friends or watching a movie and off late, in enjoying the IPL.

Everyone is busy with work, but some of us have more than usual work loads, it depends on luck and job profiles; but I have been having an exceptionally busy time. It's been fun at most times.

I will be back soon though with more of David Flabbergaster, one liners and random incidents pretty soon. The stories are all in my head and I'm waiting for some free time to put them up on the blog. Meanwhile, if you happen to visit the blog, read up on some of the links in the 'Recommended Reading' post to which I have a link at the start of the blog on the right hand side.

And if you've been in touch with me on the phone I am sure you already do know some of the stories ;)

Hope I get some free time pretty soon. See you later!

Funkiest College Names

I have no words to explain this, just take a look. This is actually true.


I wish I would've known of this college before I joined COEP :D

Dumb Q, dumb A

Q: Dude, I've heard that if you use a Bose headphone and put the volume on zero, you can hear nothing but silence, is it true?
A: Yeah only as long as you don't talk or fart!

Incidents - 2

Here's an assortment of random non-topical stuff from the past few weeks, it's been a while since I posted some original crappy stuff on the blog, so here goes...


My friend asked me if I've changed my ancient, non-digital-looking Nokia 2300 and I said, "No". He asked me why? I said, "A crappy mobile... it's like a bad GF, u wanna get rid of it, but u're just too poor for a new one!"

I went to Herbs and Spices this month with some of my friends and there was this waiter who was acting really weird. For e.g. we ordered 4 soups and when we asked him to repeat the order he totally got it wrong, sweet corn was replaced by lung fung, wtf? So we were all a bit irritated by what happened, then he gets the soup and we've not even had a taste of it when he says in a slightly rude tone, "Main course boliye". I look up at him and say, "Main course!"
All four of us burst out laughing, on hindsight it's one of those stupid incidents which I really hope I don't repeat again till I'm 90 years old and probably senile, but the waiter totally started behaving normally after that and we all had some silly fun. I can't really believe I actually did that, but I guess it's one of those things!

One keeps getting calls from all kinds of banks who are so eager to dish out loans and credit cards to me, it's almost as if they've got too much money with them. The thing is they've also become smart, they call from different phone numbers and each time it starts with, "Hello, is that Mr. XYZ" and Mr. XYZ is like, "Yeah". "I'm calling from Fraudibank, would you like a personal loan?" Mr. XYZ has no qualms in ending the call. But then the next day you get a call from Bank of Balochistan asking you if you want a BOB Card and you're wondering how many banks really are there in this world? Now after all the exaggeration in this incident, time for a real narrative, I got this call asking me, "Sir, we would like to designate for you a Wealth Manager, when would you be free to meet him?" I say, "As soon as I have some wealth!"

That's all folks!!!

Google News - Confused

I just noticed this a few minutes back and thought it deserves a mention. At 8:17 AM today if one were to use Google News and go to their Sports section, something random was on display. An article about Harbhajan Singh with Dr. Manmohan Singh's photo alongside the link! Dr. Singh's photo link then takes you to this article about Indo-Pak relations what is that story doing in the sports page?

A little confused, Google News?

Stop offering me a smoke!

Ok, this happened about an hour back. I had just narrated an incident that took place in Magarpatta City where, one day I was chilling on the benches at the ground floor of Tower XII when a gentleman, very kindly, but unnecessarily offered me a smoke, which I declined, simply because I Do Not Smoke!

Then we finish our dinner at Shisha an hour or so ago and were standing near the exit when a random gentleman - can you guess it - offers me a smoke!!! WTF!!!

I am so sorry kind smoke-sharing men of Pune, I do not smoke!!! Period. The next guy who offers me a smoke is really going to have it from me. So please keep your precious slow poison kits to yourself, I do not smoke!

Random Rickshaw Incident

This happened today, Julka and I were going to leave from Sweet Chariot Cafe and were looking for a rickshaw. We finally spotted an empty one across the road and shouted and said "Viman Nagar". The rickshaw driver says "Ok". So we get in and he turns in the wrong direction and carries on. Julka asks him "kahaan jaa rahe ho bhaiyya" so he says "Deep Bangla Chowk se lunga". Neither of us gave much importance to it and he carried on. Julka then got off midway and left. I carried on.

Throughout the way I'm having this WTF feeling as i have no recollection of the road we're travelling on. So i tell the driver, "Bhaiyya yeh raasta barabar hai kya? Kabhi is rastey aaya nahi". So he says, "Raasta barabar hai, in fact yeh shortcut hai". So I'm like "ok!". Then on the turn ahead he says, "Idhar se left leneka ki right?". I get mind fucked, and say "Aapko nahi pata kya ki idhar se kaise jaatey hain". He says "kya saab, aapka ghar kidhar hai yeh aapko malum hona chahiye, hum correct area mein pahuch gaye hain, Hanuman Nagar!"

I'm like WTF WTF WTF!!! Hanuman Nagar?

I say "Hanuman Nagar kisne bola, mere ko Viman Nagar jaane ka hai!"
He says, "Kya? Viman Nagar"
I'm angry plus kind of feeling like laughing at the stupidity of the whole thing. So the rickshaw driver turns around 180 degrees like only a rickshaw can and starts off. So i thought he'll start bickering about the money and extra distance, instead he goes back to Sweet Chariot and restarts the meter from there!

Anyways basically I got a free darshan of Hanuman Nagar, which until today I didn't even know existed and returned back to Viman Nagar without any financial damage :D