Thought Process When a Friend Gets Married a.k.a. Marriage Theorem 1

Theorem:

When a friend gets married and puts up marriage pics on FB, how happy a guy feels is inversely proportional to the hotness of the bride!

Proof:

Step 1: Focus on the photos of the Bride

If the Bride is hot:

Then

If the married couple looks something like this:

Then:

Those Three Words...

Those three words... aah, the passion they convey. Every man dreams of hearing those words from his lover. The sentiment, the raw innocence and honesty in them. The ecstasy and thrill of hearing those words. There is no other equivalent. No other feeling comes close to hearing those three words escape the lips of your lover... fuck me harder!

At a wedding

There are different kinds of weddings -

Friend Weddings

Family Weddings

Then of course there's Your Own Wedding; but at that time you're torn between fake-smiling at random guests, listening to and following instructions given by every old aunty and the pundit, along with fantasizing about the suhaag raat when there's time for that.

Friend Weddings - can be fun if you've got a good collection of other friends to hang out with. You don't really get to spend anytime with your actual friend whose getting married, because his/her mind will be occupied with what was written in the previous paragraph.

The most fun I have had at a 'Friend Wedding' has been while sitting around with other friends, making fun of all the relatives at the wedding.

Another thing I noticed is that, all families are the same.

There's always a talkative, know-it-all uncle/aunty who keeps pestering the bride's/groom's parents, who have to tolerate them for social reasons.

There's always at least one really, insanely hot chick who struts around in a shiny green/blue dress.

There's always this moment at the end of the reception where the bride/groom are surrounded with friends who crack the non-veg, suhaag raat based jokes. I think the only reason that friends are invited to weddings is for this brief period of laughter that they contribute to the couple's life.

Family Weddings -

There's always someone who has a complaint about the food.

There's always some relative who you've never seen before but claims to have seen you when you were two feet tall (a measure that is also referred to as 'jab tu itna saa thaa')

There's always some relative who wants to know your entire resume. This type can be easily detected by looking out for people who ask the following question - 'toh aaj kal kya kar rahe ho?'

You will always hear the phrase 'arrey tum kitne badey ho gaye ho', even if you've stopped growing a decade ago. That phrase is damn irritating, especially if you are a short person. You always wonder if there's a tinge of sarcasm involved.

If you're tall, then the phrase changes a little to 'arrey tum toh badey hotey jaa rahey ho'

On a related but slightly random note. Imagine the scene if Pamela Anderson were Indian. At a wedding, if she's told 'arrey tum toh aur badi hoti jaa rahi ho'!

Back to the post...

There's always this gang of old aunties singing, who sound like a cross between Anu Malik and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, both, on dope.

The songs sung during these occasions are the one's pulled out of the playlist used by All India Radio's Bhoole Bisre Geet. If you were born post-independence, there's a high chance you will not remember any of them.

You will lose count of how many feet you have touched.

There will once again be a very hot chic at the wedding. But here's the main difference between a Friend Wedding and a Family Wedding. At a Friend Wedding, you are free to shamelessly ogle at women, but at a Family Wedding, it is not so safe, because there is a high chance that the said female may turn out to be a very distant cousin. Which is kinda scary!

Let me end this pointless post with a crass joke:

Q - Why do all the guests have a weird smile on their face when greeting the bride/groom at a wedding?
A - Coz they know you're gonna get fucked soon!

See you at the next wedding!

Why Facebook defeated Orkut

You remember the days when people would count the number of scraps on their Orkut scrapbook. Some loser coders had even written code to "increase your scraps". People who used it were as dumb as the folks who actually open the "increase your size" type spam emails. Those were the glory days of Orkut. Communities of Sachin and Rahul Dravid constantly abusing each other and spamming the hell out of each other.

Then Facebook arrived, initially Orkut wasn't much affected, then the tide began to turn. By the time Orkut changed their entire look to mimic FB, you knew who was winning the war.

Now all the business related aspects aside, the real reason why FB won over Orkut was because of profile pics.

Most female junta on Orkut, would put up useless images like flowers, cartoons, cute babies etc as their profile pics but FB users would invariably put up their real pics.

Now one reason according to me for this change was, in FB the tagging process would allow anyone to upload a group photo and tag people. This would then make chics think that, what the hell, we're visible on some pics as it is, why not put up real photos on FB.

That is when the tide turned. All of a sudden you had everyone putting up their real pics on FB. Rarely would you find people with flowers or cute baby pics as their profile pics.

The one demographic that got totally bowled over by this feature was the 'letchers' who are a sub-category of the larger demographic of the 'perverts'. Any commercial venture has to win over this particular demographic if it wants to capture a market. Especially when it comes to utterly useless items like social networking sites (like Facebook) or deodorants (like Axe).

Earlier a pervert had to go through a lot of effort to get a good look at his favorite hot chic, now all one needed to do was go to Facebook, hope for some common friends and a not-too-protected profile and that's it. That is when Orkut went into life support and finally passed away sometime last year.

In a few years if you mention the word Orkut, people may think it was some extinct bird closely resembling an Ostrich. But at one time, it was the most frequently visited site for most college going folks. There may come a time, when I write a similar article on Facebook, but that would happen only if FB forgets its most loyal demographic - the loyal, humble pervert!

David Flabbergaster strikes again

David Flabbergaster finally found some time in his busy schedule to give us some more snippets from his random life. Hope you find these snippets interesting.

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Guy1: Have a Safe Diwali
David Flabbergaster: Yep, I make sure I always use a condom :P

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Girl completes a ride on a go-kart. At the end of it, some ppl ask her how she felt about it.

She says: It was OK, a little too short, I wish it would've been a little longer.
David Flabbergaster: That is the complaint of 90% of women in the world

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David Flabbergaster: While giving his opinion on two hot women who were identical twins - "Identical twins cannot be called identical twins, unless it is confirmed that they have identical twins."

Arguably the most screwed up SMS I've read this year

Ok, this I found hilarious. I read the following SMS and couldn't believe how screwed up someone's English can be. This person wrote this message with the intent of saying something profound, but has no clue of context or pronunciation and what we get is a masterpiece of divine stupidity and jackassness!
Here is the SMS:

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Life is library
Love is temporary
God is great
Life is sweet
Yesterday is waste
Today is best
Tomorrow is taste
So enjoy everyday
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Awesome Chat Snippet

Awesome segment of a chat i just had with a school friend of mine who i last spoke to in 7th std.
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Friend: howz life man
Me: i'm fine dude...in Pune, working for a management consulting firm. wat hav u been upto
5:25pm
Friend: I have a construction company
I have a textile company
5:26pm
Me: awesome... only thing left for me to say now is mere paas maa hai :D:D
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Needless to say, the spark of friendship is still just as fresh as it was a decade ago!!!

Mijuk

I saw this hilarious thing on TV, where the legendary Bappi Da was talking on one of those Talent Contest shows, i think it was on ZEE. He said this -

"Mijuk is Laaab, Mijuk is Laaaife, Mijuk is Soul, Every-bhaan needs is the Mijuk in Laaaife!"

Bappi Da was spreading gyaan about Mijuk i.e. Music :D :D :D

Later that day I saw a repeat telecast of The Great Indian Comedy Show where they had made a spoof of Bappi Da on the same Mijuk dialogue! Insanely funny stuff.

I laaab mijuk!

Reco Letter

Right now there's this phase of life where a lot of my friends are collecting letters of recommendations from a lot of places, while they are individuals who are big achievers and highly skilled people, what if a guy/girl who has done nothing of significance in his/her life wants a letter of recommendation. What if he/she was a nightmare of a student? This is a sample Letter of Recommendation of such a person.

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To whom it may concern,

It is my immense pleasure to recommend Patrick Henry Jr. for your post-graduate program for the next coming academic year. Patrick outweighs every other student in his class and the fact that he still manages to travel by public transport is very impressive.

I came to know him in the autumn of 2005 while teaching his class. Both in class and outside he made a very strong impression. During the course of studies his partner's grades were very good and even though he sat next to him in every exam and still managed to get exceptionally low marks in those exams, I can certify that he is honest and definitely never cheated in any test.
He never took up any extra curricular activities, thus showing that he knew his limitations and excelled within them.
He has the ability to gather around him a team of peers who ensure that no matter how less an effort he puts in, he always completes his assignments on time and when he cannot he displays his profound ability to impress upon professors that time is a relative quantity and whether he gave his assignment on time or a few days late, it didn't matter as long as he eventually did complete it.
He is a very respectful student and always is a positive influence on his peers, he has the ability to see positives in everything and he is a very happy person, since he keeps laughing during most lectures. His antics during lectures always ensures a healthy attendance of students.

I would love it if he continued his higher education at your institute and not mine. You will be the happiest man alive when he walks out of the gates of your institute after he completes his higher studies, I assure you.

Sincerely,

David Flabbergaster

HOD Electical Engineering Dept

ICU Institute of Engineering

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